Grandma Tales: The Day the Boobs Stood Still

These days Grandma’s brother Uncle J isn’t doing too hot. He’s a lifelong bachelor with no kids who has a great retirement package from his career as an operations manager at Nabisco. He used to be a heavy smoker, but he stopped a few years back. His health has progressively declined in the past two years and now he has a live-in male nurse from Poland. Uncle Joe fired him once because he wanted independence. He re-hired him after realizing that he needs help standing and going to the bathroom.

Grandma told me that she caught J watching porn on the TV one day. There was a dude on the screen sucking a woman’s boob and it upset her. As a result, she set-up parental controls on his Comcast account so he couldn’t order porn anymore.

Kelly and I found that hilarious because we think Grandma is a crazy cat. When we told my mom about the shenanigans, she was pissed. She believes Uncle J should be able to watch whatever he wants because he’s an adult and it’s none of Grandma’s business what he does. Furthermore, she thinks Grandma is doing it so she inherits as much money as possible from J when he dies. To be fair, she’ll probably get a pretty penny in the will and spend it all on stupid shit. Oh well, Kelly and I think she’s funny and pretty much everyone else in our family thinks she sucks. My brother has another excuse for wanting her to die, but I don’t know if I want to talk about that yet. I technically have the same excuse, but I’ve learned to cope with that memory and I know it’s not Grandma’s fault.

Grandma Tales: Sons

She was the best of moms; she was the worst of moms.  That pretty much sums up the person well be focusing on today.  Even though this story is called SONS, it is really more about the woman who raised those boys and why she does what she does.  Except I have no idea why she does some of that crazy shit. She paid to install hardwood floors in a goddamn apartment that she couldn’t afford to begin with and was subsequently evicted from. ehhhhh……

Anyway, Grandma is the daughter of an ex-Capone enforcer/ laundromat owners.  Her brother, Uncle J, played football at Marquette when they still had a team. He was on a full ride to be the halfback which used to be a realistic option for white guys under 6ft.  Now he has a kind Polish nurse who he keeps firing and rehiring because the poor guy never takes a day off and Uncle J is not ready for a serious relationship. His nurse came to Thanksgiving this year and everyone thought he was a Russian gangster.  He had a shaved head, huge arms, and a chain wallet. He was so nice and grateful that we invited him to celebrate our weird holiday about a bunch of religious weirdos in stupid hats getting corn from some English speaking Native Americans who asked them to shoot some other Native Americans they didn’t like.

Okay, where was I. Yes. Grandma is Polish, Uncle J is Polish, the nurse is Polish.  Everyone’s Polish. Now Grandma married an Irishman.  He’s the biological father to all three sons, but he’s not my grandfather. He was a drinker and a gambler and a drug addict, but he had nice hair in their wedding photos.  Like super nice hair. So thick and dark. Can’t tame a man with hair like that. Which is probably why he left them the first time. He’d come back more often once my dad started bringing home some serious cash by yelling at financial nerds until they bought his software.  One time a guy from Cantor Fitzgerald called my dad a liar and threw a pencil at his head during a meeting. That company was completely wiped out in the 9/11 attacks.

To be continued (or not)