When Zeus does it, it’s rape

Disclaimer: If you believe in the Christian/Hebrew God, I’m accusing God of being a rapist. Primarily because he is.

For 9 long years I went to St. John of the Cross grade school. For the first 6 years, Jesus was all love and jazz. Then we found out in 6th grade that every time we masturbated it made Baby Jesus cry and if we kept doing it we’d go to hell with all the serial killers and aborted babies. I loved masturbation though so my nights went from saying the Hail Mary 7 times before falling asleep to masturbating myself asleep. I always felt a little guilty about that when I thought God existed and gave a shit about my penis.

Nowadays I’m a full blown atheist who masturbates guilt free. I’ve also been thinking about how hard it is to be a woman in light of the #MeToo movement. A few weeks back I had a manic thought that I haven’t be able to shake. Mary, mother of Jesus, was raped by God.

To make this argument, all we have to look at are the rapes committed by Zeus. He was the most powerful Greek god with the capability to take on various forms to deceive humans into fucking him. And he took advantage of that power many times. And each time he did we called it rape because fucking someone without explicit consent is rape motherfuckers. Our Lord and Savior, God, also was able to take the shape of a super sexy ghost that impregnated a sleeping, married teenager without her consent.

God, being impulsive yet merciful, was probably too horny to think of the consequences and then scrambled to come up with a plan to keep Mary from getting stoned to death for being a rape victim. So he sent a powerful, persuasive Angel to persuade Mary and her husband Joseph to keep quiet about the whole rape thing and raise the child as their own. In exchange, he promised three kings would visit the newborn with valuable gifts. God essentially sent Michael Cohen with some hush money to keep Mary quiet. What the literal fuck. The Immaculate Conception is the rapiest story in Christian lore.

Sorry, Mom.

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