Retail Judge: Energy Bars for Your New Year’s Resolution

Two weeks ago I decided to become a millionaire by starting a website. Like most of my big ideas, I dived in headfirst and bought a domain name, hosting service, and started learning HTML and the WordPress platform. Like most of my big ideas, I lost interest in the subject as well as confidence in my capabilities. This usually happens when I show passion for something. The only thing this hasn’t happened for is my wife, my dog, and video games. Probably because I don’t stress myself out about being a good husband, dog dad, or mediocre video game player. I just do what comes naturally.

So this website might still happen, but not now. Nonetheless, I decided it would be wise to get words onto paper to at least have a foundation. So here it goes, the first stab at Retail Judge. We’ll be looking at some popular Energy Bars today in anticipation of the health craze that comes every New Year’s. My lovely wife, Kelly and her feisty sister, Fallon, have been kind enough to help me out with my possibly short-lived endeavor. Fallon’s boyfriend, Morty, also joined us since he’s in culinary school and his expertise will help us sort through these dog turds and determine which dog turd stands strongest.

Before we get into the details, let’s get the winners and losers out of the way. The Kind and the Clif Bar tied for first place amongst the four judges, whereas the Larabar was chosen as a big turd by three judges. Morty considered the Complete Cookie to be a Complete Turd. The middle of the road turd was the RXBar which despite its pleasing packaging, turned out to taste like a chocolatey raisin. The Epic Bison was described as dog food at best and dog puke at worst. Everyone agreed that the Epic Bison was worse than all other bars. So there you have it, we ate one piece of dog food and five dog turds of varying quality. The circle of life is complete. Now onto the categories of judgment.


RXBar won here with its simple, sleek design that told us exactly what was inside. That kind of candor is important in today’s lying world. The most disappointing packaging was the Complete Cookie. Both Fallon and Kelly agreed that they would never think it was an energy bar and that it was just a vegan cookie that they’d never buy. Of course, the Epic Bison was disgusting to look at, but we hadn’t tasted it yet so it was too quick to judge. There you have it folks. If RXBAR tasted like its packaging, it would be the clear cut winner. But it doesn’t so boo fucking hoo.


People often disregard smells, but who doesn’t love a good smell. I love the smell of cooked meat, cigars (unlit and lit), aged whisky, and my farts. That’s why we included smells. We wanted to see which one smelled the most like a fart. As expected, all the smells were terrible. However, the most terrible was the Epic Bison. “Holy shit. Smells like wet dog food,” I lamented. Kelly just said “Blugh” and died a little bit inside. The least offensive smell was the Kind bar which just smelled like a nut. Fallon doesn’t like nuts, but she understood that some people are nut lovers and said they’d like it.


There can’t really be much of a winner here. Pretty much all look like dog turds except for the Epic Bison which looks like a mixture between dog food and dog puke. Though not the worst, both Morty and I agreed that the RXBar looked like protein blocks that would be consumed in a futuristic dystopia where robots and/or the wealthy elite run the world. Society may or may not live on a fast train ala Snowpiercer. The Larabar was described as a poop with corn in it while the Kind bar was glued together nuts. It also looked like extremely nutty poop. People shouldn’t feed their dogs nuts. There you have it, they’re all losers and poop/puke.


Here we are. The grand daddy of them all. The thing that the people who can make it through the disappointing packaging, sickly sweet smells, and turd-like appearance actually care about. For the most part, this carried 70% of the weight in regards to scoring so it won’t be a surprise that the Clif Bar and the Kind Bar were the highest rated. The Larabar was described as a “Garbage Bar” and all at the table questioned whether the Epic Bison was made for humans. Kelly had to take another bite of a different bar to get the mealy, salty taste out of her mouth.


If a person were to actually finish one of these craptacular bars, they probably do it for their supposed health. Since protein is king here, the RXBAR came out ahead with 12g of protein. The Epic Bison was only 7g which only put it in the middle of the pack. Not worth the truly hellish experience of eating regurgitated dog food. The Larabar and Clif Bar had the most sugar with 20g and 21g, respectively. The Kind (5g sugar) and Epic Bison (6g sugar) were on the low end. Clif Bar was our heavy hitter calorie wise with 250g of sugar and the Epic Bison had the least amount with 130 calories. If health is your bag, I guess Epic Bison is a choice of sorts if you love your body and hate your taste buds.


If you’ve made it this far, you probably don’t care about price since the taste hasn’t turned you off. However, if you’re like me, you typically don’t want to pay a dog’s owner too much for the honor of eating its turd. Therefore, you’d be wise to buy the Clif Bar as it was one of the most highly rated as well as the cheapest at $1. The Epic Bison was $2.79 which is quite an expensive price to pay a dog owner to stick his finger down his dog’s throw to sell you whatever comes out.

The End

There you have it. The End. Thank god. Next time I’m going to review fucking Nintendo Switch games or porn videos. Fuck eating this shit.


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