The Trileptal Incident of 2016 had two main repercussions. For one, it really fucked up my career prospects at my last company. Next, the break from Lithium somehow allowed the mania to grow stronger and develop a resistance to the Lithium once we reintroduced it after the Trileptal failure. Overall, the removal of the dynamic duo of Lithium and Lamictal still plagues me today.
Nowadays, I get one manic episode a month. Granted it’s not a full blown episode since I’m on a strong Lithium/Lamictal cocktail, but it still means Zyprexa makes regular guest appearances like Alec Baldwin as Trump on SNL. That means weight gain, chronic sleepiness, and hand tremors. Three weeks back I entered another Manic Episode and decided no more Zyprexa regardless of the consequences. When that spiraled out of control after two days, I gave in and popped the pills.
Out of desperation and against my instincts, I talked to Dr. Innocuous about adjusting my meds and now I’m on a daily dose of the antipsychotic Ziprasidone. I’m still on Lithium and Lamictal so that means my kidneys are fucked, but maybe I won’t have to take Zyprexa anymore if this combo works. Naturally, Ziprasidone has it’s own way of fucking with my body. I don’t feel as strong of cravings, but now I have insomnia. I don’t shake as much, but if I happen to wake up in the middle of the night I feel so sedated that it’s painful to walk.
People who don’t have Bipolar or Schizophrenia like to say that we stop taking our medicine because we start feeling better and think we don’t have to take it anymore. We’re not morons. We stop taking our medicine because the side effects are sometimes worse than the illness. Or the side effects will give us new diseases. I’m in mild kidney failure because of the Lithium and eventually will have to choose survival over sanity. I’ll have permanent tremors from the Ziprasidone and Zyprexa not to mention the high risk of diabetes. If you’re reading this and you hear that someone with Bipolar or Schizophrenia stopped taking their pills, it’s not because they think they’re cured. It’s because they decided that hallucinations and delusions and irritability are better than introducing more chronic illnesses into their already painful existence.
Fuck you normal people. I’ve never stopped my pills in the ten years since my diagnosis, but if I do I’ll know damn I’m not cured. I’ll never be cured .