Grandma Tales: The Day the Boobs Stood Still

These days Grandma’s brother Uncle J isn’t doing too hot. He’s a lifelong bachelor with no kids who has a great retirement package from his career as an operations manager at Nabisco. He used to be a heavy smoker, but he stopped a few years back. His health has progressively declined in the past two years and now he has a live-in male nurse from Poland. Uncle Joe fired him once because he wanted independence. He re-hired him after realizing that he needs help standing and going to the bathroom.

Grandma told me that she caught J watching porn on the TV one day. There was a dude on the screen sucking a woman’s boob and it upset her. As a result, she set-up parental controls on his Comcast account so he couldn’t order porn anymore.

Kelly and I found that hilarious because we think Grandma is a crazy cat. When we told my mom about the shenanigans, she was pissed. She believes Uncle J should be able to watch whatever he wants because he’s an adult and it’s none of Grandma’s business what he does. Furthermore, she thinks Grandma is doing it so she inherits as much money as possible from J when he dies. To be fair, she’ll probably get a pretty penny in the will and spend it all on stupid shit. Oh well, Kelly and I think she’s funny and pretty much everyone else in our family thinks she sucks. My brother has another excuse for wanting her to die, but I don’t know if I want to talk about that yet. I technically have the same excuse, but I’ve learned to cope with that memory and I know it’s not Grandma’s fault.


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