The paramedics wheel me into the overcrowded emergency room. At least 10 other cops are standing there waiting to take a look at the skinny kid who nearly took down two of their worn. All except two were looking at me with a mixed face of fear, confusion, and disgust. The two who don’t seem to give a fuck about me ended up being my temporary Guardians for the night. My first Guardian is a muscular nurse with bleach blonde hair, metal hoop earrings and tattoos on his arms. I tell Guardian Nurse that I will pull those hoops right out of his ears and he looks at me hoping I would try it just so he could beat the shit out of me. The second is a police officer packing a taser that he could swivel and fire from his holster. He had that thing pointed at me for most of the night. Even without the Taser, I bet he could have taken me down hand to hand. He has natural blonde hair and was a little taller than me (I’m 5,10), but he has the body of a collegiate wrestler and a huge neck. These two guys are the dynamic duo who could take me down if I tried anything. Whatever. I’m done fighting.
I sit and wait in the ER bed for a long time. My right hand is handcuffed to the metal railing on the side of the bed and Guardian Cop is sitting nearby with his hand resting on his Taser. A familiar character walks past my bed. He’s shorter than me and has white facial hair and nothing but stubble on the top of his head. He looks to be in his 50’s and has a medium build, but I think he can handle himself in a fight despite his age and size. He’s wearing doctors scrubs and just walks past my station like I’m not even there.
Soon after the familiar stranger walks past my station, a new cop shows up to escort me to the radiology wing. He’s an older guy and doesn’t seem powerful so I don’t know why they decided to send him to escort me alone. He cheerfully asks me “Do you have any idea how many guys you fought off?” I think he became the first member of my fan club. Maybe he didn’t like one of those poor assholes I whacked with the stapler. A kind, chubby lab technician is waiting for us by the CT scan machine. I lay down on tray and the tech tells me I’m going to feel cold liquid running through my body. I do and it’s weird and I suspect they’re injecting it into my spine. The scan takes a few minutes and then it’s back to my bed, my handcuffs, and my Guardians.
Guardian Nurse comes by and tells me it’s time to give a urine sample so they can find out what I’m on. I don’t have any piss to share with them so they warn me that if I don’t produce they’re going to shove a catheter up my dick. That freaks me out and I close my legs in fear of that possibility. I ask them to give me water or something, but they refuse because it can be used to hide whatever drug they think I’m on. They finally decide to compromise and give me a small styrofoam cup of ice chips. Let’s take a moment to pause and appreciate the fact that hospitals have the best ice cubes. They’re like little aerated cylinders and they’re so crunchy. There should be a brand of store bought ice called “Hospital Chips.” Anyway…after chomping on the ice chips I finally found the courage to force out a urination. My two Guardians work in tandem to hand me the plastic cup and uncuff my right arm. They are kind enough to let me face a wall while I pee into the cup. After an arduous struggle to force out some pee, I finally get the cup filled to a decent level. I hand it back to Guardian Nurse and get back in the bed so the cop can chain me back up.
I have a pretty fun time watching everyone go into shock when the chubby lab technician comes by to tell them that there were no injuries on the CT scan and my urine was free of any drugs. There is no explanation for how I was able to do any of that and walk away with no major damage except for drugs. Now that drugs are out of the question, what the fuck really happened?